Thoughts and snapshots of the life of a man with 12 kids doing 'A course in Miracles'

It was a time of reflection and prayer tonight as I set up the dragon alter in it’s new place. After our eldest son had a brush with death this week, I felt a surge of gratefulness that, though many of our 12 kids have suffered various injuries and illnesses over the past 12 months, all have come through with both their health and their lives.


In prayer I asked for continued protection of all our children along with my thanks. So I feel an honouring and acknowledgement here is appropriate of all those who truly protect. A deep bow to all the sacred guardians. Archangel Michael and all the archangels he commands. The dragons, wizards and hedge witches. The ancestral warriors who protect our clans, tribes, mobs and families. To all those who stand between our loved ones and danger. A thankfulness beyond expression.

There is the old story of two wolves that became part of a conversation today with a twist. For those of you who don’t know the tale, here it is…

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”


The slant Alison and I put on it was in regard to the issue of our collective ancestry in which there has been both colonizer and native, perpetrator and victim. Because these two are in most of us today, there is a deep inner conflict to resolve. So much transgenerational violence and trauma it is hard to come to terms with.

I am Irish and English…a massive conflict. Scottish and English…another violent clash. Native Canadian and Viking (a meeting 1000 years ago in Newfoundland where things went sour) and then the Natives there also met the white settlers of the ‘new world’. So much of histories cultural disasters inside me…a melting pot resulting in a lot of non acceptance of self.

I have friends who are German, Spanish, French and most other nations. In the latest theory now, we all only need go back 3000 years to all be related. And so, in essence, to put an end to conflict may be to strive to dissolve the cycle within. Perhaps the greatest conflict is that which we have with death and the mortality of ourselves and our loved ones?

So now we come to it. If the colonizer is within and without, the victim the same, the cycle of suffering continues. We are left with behaviours which repeat history, where our governments and all the people play out invasion and abuse. The native people, and every minority, continue to be hurt. Their behaviours represented by the 5 f’s to escape or self comfort…Fight, Flight, Freeze, Food or Fuck. While the perpetrators justify and avoid the true root of their behaviour, feeling their own pain and guilt on some other level. Underneath if all, we all just want to feel safe and loved and have all lost the way to this. Many in western culture, simply surround themselves with more and more material wealth to try feeling this way.

There is a story of a young 4 year old aboriginal in foster care who would go to the fridge at night and get jelly, put it in his bed, surrounding himself when he got in. Many people would chastise the child, Prof.Judy Atkinson would encourage observation for it is underneath a feeling or behaviour we find the core issue. In the case of the child, the only place he ever felt safe was in the womb, the jelly in the bed was the best he could do to recreate this environment. From the place of knowing the root cause, healing can really begin.

We cannot always identify the core issue in ourselves or others.. this is where sitting gently, without attempting to move or understand, waiting and observing for the answer to come floating through beyond the constrictions and constructs of the mind, this is a path to healing. We must however, not be too quick to judge, clutch at or jump to a solution. The adage, ‘nothing is what it seem’ is something I am considering having tattooed on my forearm so I can always see it and be reminded of how my ego loves to grasp for and hold onto ‘the answer’ when there is never just one solution.

With compassion for all including self. The deconstructing and unlearning which opens one to more possibilities. The humbling of the ego , breaking of illusion and unconscious pretense, all which limits and impedes growth or rediscovery of the true self, all must crumble away.

There is an exercise between 2 people we call ‘who are you?’ where one person just keeps saying ‘who are you ?’ to the other after the answer is given, over and over repeatedly. Many times I have felt the only true answer I can give to this question is ‘I don’t know’. I used to think this was because, in my life, as someone who was groomed to be a pleaser by my psychologically disturbed mother, I had never really got to just be me as I continued the pattern and behaviour in every other relationship. But now….I see that rarely in the history of humans is there anybody who truly knows who they are…if they did, the shinning that comes forth toward all others is almost blinding and often bewildering.

We are all so much more than our minds can conceive and yet, as with all spiritual definitions and dualities, we are nothing as well as being everything…something we can never quite hold on to solidly as it is vapour, mist, spirit. Being part of the omnipotent and omnipresent conflicts within our frail physical form, yet it is still a part of who we are, the part that perhaps still waits deep within for the greatest realization of healing and most complete expression of divine love through us. Aho Mitakuye Oyasin. We are all one…with everything. Of course, as with all that I write, this means nothing…and it also means everything. Peace and Love.


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